Ahh.. August

This year, August has been good to me.  I usually start to drift into a depression, but not this year.  This year, I finalized my restraining order against my ex.  I started going out with new friends.  I started going out, period.  I have recognized the things in my life that need to change and the things that I don't, I have learned to appreciate so much more.

This year, August is beautiful.  Not just the weather, either.  My mind has begun a cleansing process.  And now, starting next Friday, my body will begin a cleansing process.

September is going to be a month of changes.  Mind, body, and spirit.  I am very excited/anxious for all of these changes.  I've never made so many big changes at one time.  I'm going to do it and I'm not going to think twice about any of it.

"It's a wonderful world. You can't go backwards. You're always moving forward. It's the wonderful part about life. And that's terrific."

Demonic

From his veins blood escaped

Desperately gasping for a breath.

The burning convulsion seeping out from his chest.

"What have I done," he asked.

The thoughts made no sense.

"Where had he gone," his friend guessed.

Determination and an evil grin on his face

He laughed as he asked for assists.

"I'm gonna make these boys be missed."

And all three came together, but only two left.

That fateful phone call made

And their mother wept.

His life, like a dying rose, now withering away.

Now the promise of life is betrayed.

Written by: Jena K Valiante

In Loving Memory of Andrew & Matthew Bohannon

-Gone Too Soon-

Name

Blank - like this sheet of paper - that's how my mind is.

I always have such great intentions before starting these and once I get to the point of being able to write, I can't.

---

Everything I say turns out to be the same thing said over and over again.

• I'm tired.
• I'm sick.
• And more ultimately: I'm sick of being tired and tired of being sick.

---

I understand the how on why I have no money, but what I don't understand is how I got from point A to point B.

"'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose get tossed along the way."

Honestly, I could quote the entire song since it relates to me and my situation.  Songs always amaze me being that not one of them was specifically written about me, but so many of them would be so easy to say that they were.

---

My ability, or now inability, to write poetry pisses me off.  I used to easily be able to pick up a pen and paper and mentally vomit words across a page like it was nothing;  the only issue I had was coming up with a title.  Now I can come up with a title and a subject but no words or thoughts come out.  My minds is stuck inside my skull and I just want little pieces to break off and escape.  It feels so good when I am able to do that and that's why I write.  My problem is once I start, I don't want to stop; and I'm always at a place where I have to stop.  So, maybe I'll write on a weekend, when noone is around.  Maybe that will allow me liberta mentale.

........ and breathe...........

Mind-Blown

It's not about life and death anymore.. now it's about tragedy, which is all this place has, and has had, to offer.

I just want out; and I want out before I want out on life.

Lately, I've been infatuated with death, pain, and loneliness.  It's a sickness, really, and it's a sickness not easily overcome.  It's like being trapped in a torture system, but with no escape.  There's no button one can push that says, "stop".  Sure, I can medicate myself, but then hours later, I need more; and God forbid if I run out, because that only sparks the anxiety trigger even harder.

Here's how my life goes right now:

Sure there are triggering factors with these two things, but ultimately one thing leads to the other.

• I can't eat, because my nerves lead me to have no appetite.
• I can't sleep, because my anxiety leaves me restless all night.
• I can barely even think clearly, because I am so stressed out about both of these things.

I need help, but only on my account.  There's also a specific help I want.  I don't want someone to tell me to, "tell me how you're feeling."  If I genuinely knew how I was feeling, I could probably fix my issues, but I don't, and that's why this is so dangerous.

I just want it all to go away, whatever "it" may be.

Wide Awake

By that I don't mean like, hey it's 3 am and I am just rolling over and can't sleep.. NO, I mean I am wide awake spiritually and emotionally.  I just spent a good long 30 minutes meditating.  I was sitting by the river on the back deck of my job and just had a huge awakening when I was in the middle of thought and someone said something that sparked a "sad nerve" of mine and I realized: THAT IS MY SOLUTION.  That is why I cannot focus and why I can't think.  It's why my mind is so clouded with such garbage that I can't even spit out words sometimes.  I am so focused on the negativity that I am killing myself.  I'm not saying literally killing myself, but mind-wise.  I am tearing myself apart and for what?  I have no reason.  And I find it kind of ironic that I was able to come to this conclusion being that I am a very positive person.  I always look for the best in things and even when dealing with others, I'm able to present a more positive thought and shed a happier light on their situation.  It's never as bad as it seems.

My mind literally feels euphoric right now.  Like it's having a mental orgasm and this feels so good.  I am legitimately smiling a true, hardcore smile.  I feel my body waves crashing all over into me like I am a free spirit and could fly away at this very second.  This is the most beautiful thing I've ever done for myself.

All of this stemmed from the reaction to writing this.

Mental Purge

<Begin Thought>

The thing about thoughts is you never know what the next one might be and the reasoning behind it sometimes makes sense, but sometimes it doesn't  Sure you can plan on the subject matter you'd like to think on, but as far as what thoughts will come, you never know.  Thus the following:

Your thoughts turn into your emotions and when your thoughts are wrong, the feelings experienced with such can be detrimental to you.  Even worse than all of this is the fact that no-one knows your thoughts.  Sure they can relate to them and have similar thoughts, but ultimately, they will never know the full extent of it.

This is what I like to call a mental purge.  I'm actually handwriting this, so while the usual back-of-the-mind thought is "look and listen to how fast I'm typing," writing just takes time, which allows you to ponder even deeper into thought.  It's sort of like reading.  You focus on the words and you're forced to analyze what is actually going on; the spelling, the grammar, the apostrophes, the dotting of the Is and crossing of the Ts.

I don't really even have a reason for this except to verify that I still have the ability to form and purge my thoughts.  I'm so unsure of myself lately and nothing makes sense anymore.  My whole life is just one big blur.  If I had an endless cash flow now, I'd stop working for a good month and go to a secluded cabin.  I'd do this so my mind would just flood with thoughts.  I would love to be overwhelmed in thoughts, just not by them.  Too many times I take one idea and it expands into this huge non-existent scenario in my head that scares the shit out of me.

I don't even know what's going on and nor do I care.  I've learned to let go and realize the whole world is not looking at me.  I am a speck; a very, very small speck and there are days I wish it was actually real to the point of being non-existent.  I do not want to be or exist anymore.

I just don't want anything.

<End Thought>

This is the actual hand-written note:

Your opinion matters! [but only if it agrees with mine!]

Lately, I've been getting pissed off just for people stating their thoughts.  It's completely against what I think.  I am usually all-for an open-minded person.  I've noticed myself getting annoyed at what they say if it doesn't agree with what I say or if it makes me mad about what they say in response to my opinion.  It's the dumbest thing ever.

I think right now, I'm just annoyed with society in general.  I just don't like anyone anymore.  Last night, however, I realized I do still have friends, and really great ones at that.  They are just a handful compared to what I used to have, but friendship is about quality, not quantity.

Sorry for this one being so short, but my mind is just not that full of thoughts this morning.

Tuesday Morning.... better than Monday.

In the past few days, I’ve caught myself saying “I don’t feel like dealing with….” or “I’m not in the mood to deal with….” entirely too much.  It’s like it’s the new saying for me.  That’s not me.  I’m up for anything and anyone.  I am a people person, that’s why I’m in the position I’m in.. Even though I despise talking on the phone, it’s still my job to do so, and apparently I do a damn good job at it.  I’m just tired of feeling this way.  So I guess ultimately, I don’t feel like dealing with my problem right now and I’m not in the mood to feel this way every single day.  The shit is old.

I’ve reached the point that I wish I could do a mental dump of my mind.  I can’t say I’d forget everything that’s happened over the past year and a half, but I would forget a lot of it.  I’m not blaming anyone for my situation because ultimately, I let it happen.  I was in the position to say no and I didn’t.  What’s fucked up though is when I started saying no, people started getting angry and calling me a selfish bitch for saying no.  Why am I not allowed to say no??? Why are you only happy when the word YES is coming out of my mouth or you are only getting what you want?  Sounds like a user to me.  I don’t know how you all feel about it, but that’s what I feel like.  I feel as if I have been used for my resources and that’s all.  It had nothing to do with me or anything I did or didn’t do.  It wouldn’t have mattered if I put the entire world on a fucking platter and served it with a side of the universe, you still wouldn’t have been happy.

I guess the reason I’ve let this burden me for longer than it should have is because I felt personally responsible for the position you’re in now, but then I woke up last night.  I realized, you are a grown fucking man and you can control shit that happens to you just the same as I can control the things that happen to me.  If you’re not worried about me one fucking bit, why the hell should I give two shits about you and what happens?  If you want to waste your fucking life away because you’re too much of a fucking baby to grow up, then so be it, but that’s on you.

I am one person and at this point, I’m the only one looking out for me.  Until I get back to the point of me being okay, I damn sure am not going to be in a position to worry about if somebody else is doing okay.  I feel good saying that and I feel relieved in knowing my decision.

I AM DONE.

Random words that aren't really there...

Anymore, this is how I feel.  I'm not sure where to start, where to end, if there is an ending even.  I have no idea what is going on in my head anymore.  To go even further, I don't even know who I am anymore.  In the past 3 months, I've fallen into a deep depression.  Part of this is from my anxiety disorder, the other part, I'm not exactly sure.  I've withdrawn from everything I like.  And quite frankly, I don't care.

I've noticed, especially in the past 2 weeks, I have been extremely on edge.  The smallest thing gets to me.  I snap at people, I have no care for people.  I have become heartless.  I don't mean I don't care about humanity, hell last week I bought a vet a bag of chips because I think it's disgraceful that we can put a bunch of people who have never lifted a finger in their life in a house and give them money for food and whatever else, but we can't help out someone who has put their life on the line... Back to the topic. I don't care about people the way I used to.  It's like, I am a hateful person and I don't care if I hurt your feelings or offend you.  I don't care if you don't like what I have to say or if you like me in general.  My attitude is to tell you to go fuck yourself and join the crowd of people that don't like me.. I'm pretty sure this part has to do with my relationship that's not really a relationship anymore.  I distanced myself, which probably started as a protective barrier to myself, but then I couldn't stop.  I went through this a few years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time.  I couldn't get close to anyone for about 2 years but when I finally did, I fell hard... and here I am again, in the same exact situation.

Now that that's come out of my mouth, I wonder if that's what it's stemming from.  Am I disappointed in myself for letting myself go through the exact same thing?  Why didn't I see the signs from the first go round?  I'm a tough woman and I can handle a lot of shit.  I constantly say I don't need anyone and I don't need anyone to take care of me.  It's not that I wouldn't let someone take care of me, I just don't depend on someone.  I learned this from my dad.  This is because when you depend on someone,  your livelyhood depends on them and their resources and at any moment, they can take it all away from you.  This is also the reason I'm not sure I'll ever get into another relationship.  I don't like my happiness depending on someone else's mood.  I don't like having to feel like I have to buy someone's love or their happiness.   I also don't like the burden of having to be the reason for their happiness or sadness for that matter.  Relationships take work, and if both parties don't give 100%, it doesn't work. And it can't be every other week, it's got to be every single day.  Someone of my status the way I am now... I'm not stable enough to handle someone's emotions, let alone my own.  I can't handle myself.

The past month, especially this month, I've been on the verge of going to a damn hospital and signing myself in.  If not for evaluation, mental rest.  My brain needs to rest.  There is so much clutter in my mind, my life is just one big blur.  I feel like a robot.  I wake up, go to work, come home, shower, eat [sometimes], go to bed, repeat.  Give or take the very rare occasion that I actually have the energy or desire to get out of the house.  Even on the weekends.  I wake up, lay around, take long naps.... I'm 25 years old.  I should be at a club or a party or a movie or something.....  I live the life of a 40 year old cat lady.  I'm alone.  I like being alone... I don't like feeling lonely.  

I talk about my job a lot in my life.  I do this because for the past year, it's all I've really been exposed to.  All my friends, they're all from my job.  It's as if I've lost all the friends I once had.  And now the way it works, I get to know people for 5 months, and then they're gone.  It's almost a fucked up game.  I know that's just the way it works, but sometimes it just really sucks.  It's like going to therapy with someone for 5 months and then having to start and tell your story to a new person, over and over again.  

I am mentally exhausted.

What's really going on??

I'm not sure if it's because of the weather, or because I'm sick, but I am missing a lot of people lately... I just got here and realized I miss my boyfriend. I just saw him 2 hours ago when he walked out the door but I feel like it's been months. I miss him to the point of being on the verge of tears. I'm not saying I don't miss him on a regular basis, but this is just not normal.

My chest hurts, my head is spinning, my ears are pulsing.. I don't get it.. *sigh* I'm sick of feeling this way in my life. This is one of the main reasons I hate winter. It never fails that I will end up in some kind of emotional funk. I hate it.