Silence is the loudest noise ever.

Currently, I'm laying in bed in my empty house with my 2 dogs.  The fans are on and the a/c is running because it's Florida and it's hot.

I had a rough day today.   I was mentally insulted by my own self today.  I told myself that I didn't go to school for 4 years to be a file-bitch.  Yes, filing is a part of every job, but to just do filing was a huge slap in the face.  I also got the cold shoulder from my [now former] supervisor, but then at the end of the day was told "See you tomorrow" with a smile on her face - yet an hour later I got a call that said they were ending my assignment today because she didn't like how I did a spreadsheet. I find it funny because she claimed during week one that she was a "very direct person."  Last I checked, direct people tell you things - directly.  Whatever.

I'm most bothered by the fact that I literally can't figure out what went wrong.  I'm experienced. I don't require much training in a job because of this.  So here I am, left wondering why I am so inadequate.  I work hard and I work well.  What is wrong with me?  Am I not supposed to ask myself that?  Any time you lose a job, unless you directly did something against company policy or you received a layoff, I think you question what happened, especially if you did your job well.

Back on topic, as I'm lying here, all I can hear are my thoughts.  They just keep getting louder and more jumbled together.  I'm not even making coherent thoughts anymore and I can't even understand what it is I'm trying to think.  I am in my early freak-out mode.  Yes, I'll still get a check this week and next, and I have applied for unemployment, but my mind is already passed that.  My mind is to the month from now.  Though, I may have a job tomorrow, who knows?  This isn't the first time I have been let go, but it is the first time I've been unreasonably let go.  I am angry.  I am tempted to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, but due to the fact that I have a professional background and am now a job-seeker, I will bite my tongue and move on.

I didn't really like the job anyway. I should've said no when it was offered to me.  It took me forty minutes to get to work and then forty minutes to get back home.  I was exhausted; I am exhausted - I worked today.  I really dislike working for women for the fact of what she did.  Women are the first to stab you in the back in a workplace.  Women are drama in every instance of life. Because of that, I have very few female friends.  They smile in your face and then talk about you as soon as you turn and walk out of the room.

I said, before I started working at that job, that I wish I would've taken a day or two off between jobs - but hey, I guess I get to do that now! Another positive for tomorrow is getting to sleep in a little. I'm not going to get totally off the early-riser bandwagon because that's not good for a job-seeker.  It's not good when a potential employer calls you and you sound groggy because you just cracked your eyes open for the first time of the day and its noon.  I also received an email from a job I have been pursuing for several months now that could potentially be starting in mid-October - but that's a ways away.  I am here now and I need to find something now, even if it's temporary.

Blogging is so beautiful - for the writer at least.  I love to call my posts "mental vomit".  It's my splurge of words and thoughts that, even if they come out in no particular order, they get to come out.  Instead of me stressing myself out and figuring out what I'm trying to tell myself, I am telling it to myself here, in this mental vomit.  

When I was 14, I got my very first blog on Xanga. I religiously blogged all the time for several years.  Time passed and I got busy and I stopped for a long time.  That's not to say I will blog every day because I think it's like most other things: you have to be in the mood.  I'm not in the mood to post a blog every day, some days I'm not even in the mood to speak or move.

While there are no particular "rules" to blogging, I like to follow a similar subject per blog.  I would love to go to a different subject right now, but that has nothing to do with this, so I won't.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about it: mental fatigue.

Depression is Addictive

I don't know if you've ever been depressed, or if you were just sad for a day or two.  People have bad days. Everyone has bad days. It's when your days start turning into weeks, then months, and for some people, even years, that it becomes a "problem".  Some people get seasonal blues. I, myself, get seasonal blues every year as soon as mid-fall hits.  I think last year was the only year I haven't gotten them since 2001.  That's 13 years straight of having Autumn Blues.  Fall is a love-hate thing for me because of this.  I absolutely adore the leaves changing and crunching under my feet and the smell of pumpkin EVERYTHING.  What I don't enjoy is the empty feeling and the memory flood of all things bad that have happened in the fall in years passed.

Here's my list of things:

1. My aunt passed in Oct 2001
2. My boyfriend, Taylor, at the time was extremely depressed as was I - we were toxic together but we understood each other so we were drawn to one another. - that was about Sept 2001 - March 2002.
3. I bounced around from Oct 2001-March 2002 as well so Taylor was my rock.
4. I moved schools after 8th grade and started a new school where I knew absolutely nobody. I established friendships and then was forced to move again in April 2003.
5. Started a new school for the last 2 months of my freshman year. Went to that school again for the first semester of my Sophomore year.
6. November 17, 2003 (I found out Wednesday, November 19th) - my best friend, Taylor, committed suicide. He was 18 years old. He would be 30 this year.
7. In November 2003, my grandpa was rushed to the ICU and we found out he had colon cancer. - he was in the hospital for 37 days.  He came home for a few weeks.  We, again, moved to be here with him. We arrived on Friday, January 23, 2004. My grandpa passed away from a massive heart attack Sunday, January 25, 2004.
8. My dad moved away in March of 2004 and we moved in with my mom.  We were supposed to move to PA with my dad at the end of the school year, but then I found out that my dad's old girlfriend had moved back with him - we didn't get along at all... so I stayed. I ended up moving in with my grandmother.
9. In 2005, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years to date a complete jerk who cheated on me.  Got back with the bf of 3 years about 2 months later... 
10. 2006 was a good year, for the most part, except an old classmate passed in a motorcycle accident.
11. 2007 - the start of hell no. 1. I broke up with the bf of 5 years.... Started a toxic relationship
12. 2008-Jan 2010 was hell in all kinds of ways. I was by myself for a lot of it and the time I wasn't I was being cheated on.
13. 2010-2011 - had my sad days, but mostly I was ok. I was single and finally focusing on school and having fun. I took road trips by myself and discovered my love for Charlotte, NC.
14. 2011 - I got engaged for the second time - this was to the guy I had dated for 5 years.  I ended that relationship for fear of not being ready....
15. Jan 2012 - worst decision of my life ever was made when I decided to date my ex.  He was a pill-head and had also been to jail a few times, for none other than domestic disputes. He gave me a fake name though so it's not like I would've known.  I went in debt, lost my car, lost EVERYTHING I had in storage because I couldn't afford the bill. I had nothing.
16. December 8, 2012 - my stepdad passed away from bile-duct cancer.
17. April 2013 - my ex put his hands on me and threw a guitar at me one morning. I grabbed my phone and my dog and I left and called the police. I packed all my stuff and moved out to my mom's.

Finally, I was back on top.... until April 2014.  I have started having thyroid issues which has inevitably caused me to gain weight. I am currently seeing a doctor, but I am seriously bothered by the weight.  I have an endocrinologist appt next month and hopefully that gives me answers and allows me to figure out what can be done to get rid of this.

Then there's this weekend. I'm by myself, alone at home. I'm sad. I'm overthinking all the above listed things.  I miss my aunt and my best friend terribly.  I found a flash drive that has a ton of music that just floods my mind with memories of most of these things.  I'm sure you could say "Then don't listen to those songs."  But I like these songs.

In fact, the reason for this post was to say this: when I feel down, I don't want to feel better right away. I don't want to listen to a happy song when I feel down.  I want to listen to the most depressing songs there are at that time.  Why does this work? Because eventually I get so tired of feeling this way that I will build myself up - usually by putting the most hardcore rude song I can think of - Seventy Times 7 by Brand New.  

"Have another drink and drive yourself home; I hope there's ice on all the roads, then you can think of me when you forget your seat belt and again when your head goes through the windshield."  

Sometimes, you just need a mental vomit to feel better.  Even if I'm technically talking to nobody, I'm talking to YOU, whomever you may be.

You're listening, because you're reading this, so thank you.  

Facebook Hiatus

I decided earlier this week, after experiencing severe brain fog and mental confusion, that I was going to take a 1-week hiatus from Facebook.  I'm doing it in an experimental way.  I am going to create a lists of certain things related to it. I'm going to report on it when it's complete.

I started it at approximately 11:02 pm, Friday, April 3, 2015.

So far, I've Googled "things to do instead of Facebook". I think that alone says a lot. This is the WORLD WIDE WEB.  I blame Myspace.  Myspace started all of this social media crap and the addiction we have to it. Make new "friends" then obsess about those "friends" all the while paying little to no attention to those who are around you in real life or even right next to you.

People say social media ruins relationships.  I believe it has the potential to, but it's not really the root cause of it.  Social media is a TOOL that assists in ruining a relationship because one of the main components of a relationship is communication and while your typing away a new status on Facebook, the person you should really be talking to could be right next to you.

People share way too much information on FB.  Seriously, I don't need to know that you've done 4 loads of laundry, painted your toenails, and you've developed some weird green fungus under your fingernails.  Unless you're in a group that is specific to those or you're asking for advice, keep it to yourself.

I am already realizing a benefit to this break. I am going to do things and NOBODY but myself is going to know about these things.  It may just be going to the beach, going out to lunch, or just going period.  But there will be no update or a "check-in" about "Here we are!!! - At [Name] Beach with [Name]" with 13 pictures attached to it.

This is just my first post... I'm sure there will be many more to come this week.

I did it to myself.

The other day, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided I wanted to get debt free! Yay me.  I pulled my credit report and everything.  I even went as far as calling all the debtors to get an accurate number.  I made a payment on one of the debts and the second half of the debt is set up to be debited on Feb 19th, so one of the 12 debts I have will be cleared.  

I have $31,000 in debt, which includes the $12,000 in student loans.  

I feel so defeated and worthless.

I did a budget this past week and before I did the budget, I thought I was doing pretty good with my money, especially since I had quite a bit left after every check! Great, right? WRONG.  I was overspending, by a ton.

I have now allocated every single dollar of my checks into my budget and I have $0 left over.  Of course, that's with me putting away some into savings each month, but still.

I need a new career.  Something with meaning.  More money would be great, too, but I'm not really searching for that.  I want a career with purpose and challenge.  I'm tired of doing the same thing every day; waking up and going to a job that has no meaning for me.  I leave after the end of the work day and I don't feel like I have done anything significant in my life.  I am just here.

I've fallen into a depression in the past month and I'm just not happy with myself at all.  I'm fat, I feel ugly, my clothes don't fit, I have no motivation to do anything but lay in bed.  I don't like to wash dishes or clean the house; two things I actually usually enjoy doing.  I feel like a failure.  A complete failure.

On one positive note, I have been looking for churches to go to, and no, I don't think that's the solution to every problem, but I think it will help me heal.  Maybe not financially, but emotionally which will then allow me to heal physically.