Nor·mal ˈNôrməl/ Adjective

Ever since losing my mom, every single day is a struggle. Work days are worse. I think it's because I have to fit inside a box of expectations and guidelines when some days I don't feel like doing a damn thing. Motivation is a hard thing to find. There are days where I will kick butt and get so much done; but they are followed by days where I do the bare minimum. It isn't because I don't know what I'm doing or I'm not good at what I'm doing, it's because I don't have the desire to do anything. 

The past couple of days, I have been forcing myself to put my shoes on and go for a walk around the block. It's only 3/4 of a mile, but I still do it. Before I even step out, I'm already ready to be back inside. It's not until I get around the corner that I feel my mindset changing to, "This is okay. You can do this."  About halfway through I feel myself getting motivated, like I'm now in a race. I don't run or even really walk fast, about 3 mph, but I have finishing on my mind. I do feel better once I finish my walk and I'm glad I take the walk. 

Anyway, back on topic. It seems more and more people have some sort of something "wrong" with them. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, BPD.... and on and on. So, if it's wrong, but so many have it, is it right? Is this the new "normal"? Is it normal to feel this way more often than feeling "normal"? Where is the line drawn from a "normal" amount of daily anxiety to an amount where you "need to seek help"? I don't want to seek help. I don't want a prescription. I don't want to sit on a couch and you nod your head while writing notes and half listening to me while I wonder if something is genuinely wrong with me. Am I responding correctly to your questions? Are you going to call the psych ward after I leave? I don't think I'm that bad off. I also don't think it's normal to wake up being anxious though. What reason do I have waking up with knots in my stomach on a normal Thursday with nothing out of the norm going on?

I don't understand how something I do every day is such a burden. I do enjoy my job and what I do. I don't enjoy feeling the way this job makes me feel - but I'm not so sure it's the job that actually does it to me. I think it may just be having the expectations of a job, which is any job. When someone expects something of you, you automatically have a burden placed on you. What if I'm not 100% that day? I'm not going to be 100% every single day, so why is it expected? 

My only concern is this: is this my normal for the rest of my life now? 

I Don't Even Remember Why I'm Here

Sometimes I enjoy writing. Sometimes I just need to get things out. And sometimes, I just write things so I don't forget them. This is one of those things.

Except I literally just forgot what I opened this for...

Just like I forgot to buy a pill cutter for several days because I would keep remembering then forgetting to write it down.

I'm just going to make a quick list of things I need to do and want to look at..

Stress Management
Money Management
Workload Management
Anxiety Relief
Sunflower Decor
Houses
Things to ask about buying a house - for the bank
Credit
Declutter on a budget
Motivating yourself while dealing with anxiety
Managing overwhelming thoughts while managing life
Meal Planning
4th of July cutlery

Corinthians

I haven't written anything in a year... So much has changed. I'm in a new decade - I turned 30 on the 2nd. 

My mother passed away August 21st and it's been nearly 9 months since I spoke to her. I'm not sure how that happened. I see her all the time and talk to her. I know she's there for me still. Since she's passed, I guess I've developed either a hormone balance or a hormone imbalance. I cry at the little things now, where before, it took everything to force a tear. 

I still have that fear of infertility. Other than the fact that my mom dealt with it for nearly 8 years, eventually she had me at 28 and then my sister at 32. Since I'm now 30, I worry... I'm not a shriveled up prune, but I'm also not a blossoming bud either. I haven't had my first. I know they say "wait 12 months before concern," but here we are, month 6 and we are still at square 1, with Aunt Flow about to visit tomorrow. The only good thing about her showing every month is that I know I have regular periods. Am I going to be one of those people that suffers from in-explainable infertility? Am I okay? What's wrong with me? Am I over-thinking? I don't know... but what I know is I hate having to do this journey without my mom here. 

Oh... and I say "we" because hey! I married my husband on December 15th! Didn't see that coming, did you? i don't even know where to begin to describe him. He's a man, a typical man in most things like laundry and cooking - I do it, as a wife should. But the support he gives, it's so amazing. It's a Godly love. He would take all my hurt and pain away from me if he could. To have someone genuinely care that much and love that much it such a wonderful gift from God and I couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.

I really am not sure where I was going when I started writing this, but I think I'm where I want to end this piece for now. I feel better... even if no-one is listening.