Life After Death

I'm actually not referring to my own death or someone's spirit; it's actually the opposite. I'm referring to my life after the death of my mom.  Death has always been a part of my life, since I was 4. It was sad, yes, but it didn't really effect me all that much. 

We are almost 19 months into this never-ending journey: the motherless journey. Actually, I take that back. I am not motherless, I am just physically without her. It's a silent phone, an empty inbox, a forever wandering home, since it belongs to someone else now. I haven't been back since September of 2017. I literally can't handle it, seeing someone in her space. 

I wondered the other day if this is my new normal. Am I always going to feel like something is missing for the rest of my life? Is it really going to be this way? Will part of myself be healed if or when I have a child? 

There are so many things you go through after the death of your parent that just aggravate you to no end.  You can't call them to tell them your problems, to tell them about that thing you remembered you did together years ago. You can't tell them your good news, or your bad. You can't hug them. Nobody hugs quite like Mom.  

It's like losing a limb, I assume. You still feel those phantom pains, and sure, you can get a prosthetic, and it may serve it's purpose; but it's never going to feel quite right. It's never going to just be there. You have to attach it, and put effort into making it function. And you'll forever miss YOUR limb because it was a part of you and you didn't have to do anything special to make it work, it just did. But no matter how hard you try, it's not going to grow back. You just learn to cope.

I am tired of coping. I'm tired of death being the center of everything. I put it in the back of my mind, but it always comes back full circle, right in my face. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to forget her, or her life at all. I just want to forget that she died.

Nor·mal ˈNôrməl/ Adjective

Ever since losing my mom, every single day is a struggle. Work days are worse. I think it's because I have to fit inside a box of expectations and guidelines when some days I don't feel like doing a damn thing. Motivation is a hard thing to find. There are days where I will kick butt and get so much done; but they are followed by days where I do the bare minimum. It isn't because I don't know what I'm doing or I'm not good at what I'm doing, it's because I don't have the desire to do anything. 

The past couple of days, I have been forcing myself to put my shoes on and go for a walk around the block. It's only 3/4 of a mile, but I still do it. Before I even step out, I'm already ready to be back inside. It's not until I get around the corner that I feel my mindset changing to, "This is okay. You can do this."  About halfway through I feel myself getting motivated, like I'm now in a race. I don't run or even really walk fast, about 3 mph, but I have finishing on my mind. I do feel better once I finish my walk and I'm glad I take the walk. 

Anyway, back on topic. It seems more and more people have some sort of something "wrong" with them. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, BPD.... and on and on. So, if it's wrong, but so many have it, is it right? Is this the new "normal"? Is it normal to feel this way more often than feeling "normal"? Where is the line drawn from a "normal" amount of daily anxiety to an amount where you "need to seek help"? I don't want to seek help. I don't want a prescription. I don't want to sit on a couch and you nod your head while writing notes and half listening to me while I wonder if something is genuinely wrong with me. Am I responding correctly to your questions? Are you going to call the psych ward after I leave? I don't think I'm that bad off. I also don't think it's normal to wake up being anxious though. What reason do I have waking up with knots in my stomach on a normal Thursday with nothing out of the norm going on?

I don't understand how something I do every day is such a burden. I do enjoy my job and what I do. I don't enjoy feeling the way this job makes me feel - but I'm not so sure it's the job that actually does it to me. I think it may just be having the expectations of a job, which is any job. When someone expects something of you, you automatically have a burden placed on you. What if I'm not 100% that day? I'm not going to be 100% every single day, so why is it expected? 

My only concern is this: is this my normal for the rest of my life now? 

I Don't Even Remember Why I'm Here

Sometimes I enjoy writing. Sometimes I just need to get things out. And sometimes, I just write things so I don't forget them. This is one of those things.

Except I literally just forgot what I opened this for...

Just like I forgot to buy a pill cutter for several days because I would keep remembering then forgetting to write it down.

I'm just going to make a quick list of things I need to do and want to look at..

Stress Management
Money Management
Workload Management
Anxiety Relief
Sunflower Decor
Houses
Things to ask about buying a house - for the bank
Credit
Declutter on a budget
Motivating yourself while dealing with anxiety
Managing overwhelming thoughts while managing life
Meal Planning
4th of July cutlery

Corinthians

I haven't written anything in a year... So much has changed. I'm in a new decade - I turned 30 on the 2nd. 

My mother passed away August 21st and it's been nearly 9 months since I spoke to her. I'm not sure how that happened. I see her all the time and talk to her. I know she's there for me still. Since she's passed, I guess I've developed either a hormone balance or a hormone imbalance. I cry at the little things now, where before, it took everything to force a tear. 

I still have that fear of infertility. Other than the fact that my mom dealt with it for nearly 8 years, eventually she had me at 28 and then my sister at 32. Since I'm now 30, I worry... I'm not a shriveled up prune, but I'm also not a blossoming bud either. I haven't had my first. I know they say "wait 12 months before concern," but here we are, month 6 and we are still at square 1, with Aunt Flow about to visit tomorrow. The only good thing about her showing every month is that I know I have regular periods. Am I going to be one of those people that suffers from in-explainable infertility? Am I okay? What's wrong with me? Am I over-thinking? I don't know... but what I know is I hate having to do this journey without my mom here. 

Oh... and I say "we" because hey! I married my husband on December 15th! Didn't see that coming, did you? i don't even know where to begin to describe him. He's a man, a typical man in most things like laundry and cooking - I do it, as a wife should. But the support he gives, it's so amazing. It's a Godly love. He would take all my hurt and pain away from me if he could. To have someone genuinely care that much and love that much it such a wonderful gift from God and I couldn't be more grateful to have him as my husband.

I really am not sure where I was going when I started writing this, but I think I'm where I want to end this piece for now. I feel better... even if no-one is listening.

Autopilot: ON. What it's like to be 29.

What's it like to be 29?  Have you ever driven somewhere, gotten there, and ask yourself, "How the hell did I end up here?" To me, that's what 29 is like. I do the motions of life. I wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to bed, sleep 6-8 hours and then do it all again. My mind is on autopilot and I hate every bit of it. Even my breathing is autopilot. I used to take deep fulfilling breaths and enjoy them. Now it takes all I have to breathe in and then my body is so heavy, it just forces it out. It's only doing it because it has to.

So what's it like to be 29? It's miserable. I hate it. I hate everything. I haven't been this dissatisfied with life since 2012, when I lost my car and maxed out my credit cards. Even then, I was able to find happiness. 

I started the job I'm at now in 2015 and I love it. I like the repetition but I also enjoy the differences in the day-to-day. Each case is similar but also so different.  But even that, I feel useless, like I have no idea what I'm doing or I'm doing it wrong; but my boss says I'm doing great, so I guess that's all that really matters.

I thought when all of this began again and I was being moody that it was because of my move, which was done 4/14.  Then I thought hey, maybe if I unpack some stuff I'll feel better.... then I thought it was because I had a full schedule, so I freed some space, but to no avail. Now I'm not sure what the issue is. How do you fix an issue if you don't even know what's wrong? 

I am literally miserable. I look forward to going to bed every day. Yes, day. From the time I get out of bed in the morning, the only thing I look forward to is going back to bed. Laying there, forgetting everything exists.  But even that doesn't let me go; I wake up with knots in my stomach, paralyzed from anxiety, taking quick deep breaths just to stretch out my chest.

I want nothing more than to be able to go back to who I was in February, when I was happy, free spirited, and living. Someone take my rain cloud and put it over Georgia; I'm sure they'd appreciate the rain more than me.

Ujjayi

First, I'm going to start with this data.  

Next, I'm going to say this: LET CHILDREN BE CHILDREN.

When I was a child, I got bored.  I'm an adult now and sometimes I feel I have nothing to do, but look around and realize I have endless things to do. These things are like dishes, laundry, scrubbing a toilet; things I don't necessarily want to do, but have no choice. I wish I could be bored. I wish I could lie down and literally think nothing. I realized today, I was anxious because I have to go grocery shopping, which meant spending money. Then when I return, I have to put it all away. I still need to do four loads of laundry, wash the dishes, mop my floors. When am I supposed to be able to breathe? 

The reason we can't just sit is because we are now taught, starting as a tiny toddler, that we are entitled to instant gratification. You're bored so you throw a tantrum and what does mommy do? She shoves an iPad, iPhone, something digital in your face, with its flashing lights and endless entertainment. If you get bored, you go to another app or another YouTube video.  There is no reason to sit and actually fight through your boredom because the options are endless. The problem with this thinking for children is when they have to go to the classroom and suddenly are expected to sit still for 6 hours listening to the same person.  They are forced to concentrate on the topic for as long as the lecture is to be, not for as long as they want to pay attention.  Then, parents take their child to a child development "specialist" who in turn tells them "Your child has ADD [or ADHD]," and gives them a prescription for Ritalin or Adderall. 

We are creating a monster.  First, there's nothing wrong with your child, and if there is, it's because of your lack of wanting to take time to be a parent.  Stop handing them an iPad and expecting it to be the caretaker while you endlessly scroll through Facebook so you don't have to hear them whine, or much less, pay attention to them.  Put a book in their hand, or those donut shaped rings that stack.  Let your child learn things on their own in a physical sense, not through a screen.  

If they're bored? Let them be bored. Teach them to meditate.  Teach them they don't have to be stimulated every second of every day.  This will let them learn how to be calm and not have endless thoughts which lead to anxiety, depression, panic attacks and more.  These things are also on the rise and we only did it to ourselves, not realizing in the late 90s, early 2000s when we stayed on AOL for hours upon hours only to have MySpace and finally, Facebook to follow.  Ever notice how you can look at the clock and then "minutes later", you've been on Facebook for 3 hours? This is what I'm talking about. Yes, we zone out, but only momentarily and we waste a lot of time, which leads to our responsibilities getting ignored and then causes us to feel dread or anxiety from the consequences of our own actions.

I'm not even sure how this blog got written because the only thing I was thinking when I was going to write it was that I wish I could be bored and I wish I could think about nothing.

Silence is the loudest noise ever.

Currently, I'm laying in bed in my empty house with my 2 dogs.  The fans are on and the a/c is running because it's Florida and it's hot.

I had a rough day today.   I was mentally insulted by my own self today.  I told myself that I didn't go to school for 4 years to be a file-bitch.  Yes, filing is a part of every job, but to just do filing was a huge slap in the face.  I also got the cold shoulder from my [now former] supervisor, but then at the end of the day was told "See you tomorrow" with a smile on her face - yet an hour later I got a call that said they were ending my assignment today because she didn't like how I did a spreadsheet. I find it funny because she claimed during week one that she was a "very direct person."  Last I checked, direct people tell you things - directly.  Whatever.

I'm most bothered by the fact that I literally can't figure out what went wrong.  I'm experienced. I don't require much training in a job because of this.  So here I am, left wondering why I am so inadequate.  I work hard and I work well.  What is wrong with me?  Am I not supposed to ask myself that?  Any time you lose a job, unless you directly did something against company policy or you received a layoff, I think you question what happened, especially if you did your job well.

Back on topic, as I'm lying here, all I can hear are my thoughts.  They just keep getting louder and more jumbled together.  I'm not even making coherent thoughts anymore and I can't even understand what it is I'm trying to think.  I am in my early freak-out mode.  Yes, I'll still get a check this week and next, and I have applied for unemployment, but my mind is already passed that.  My mind is to the month from now.  Though, I may have a job tomorrow, who knows?  This isn't the first time I have been let go, but it is the first time I've been unreasonably let go.  I am angry.  I am tempted to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, but due to the fact that I have a professional background and am now a job-seeker, I will bite my tongue and move on.

I didn't really like the job anyway. I should've said no when it was offered to me.  It took me forty minutes to get to work and then forty minutes to get back home.  I was exhausted; I am exhausted - I worked today.  I really dislike working for women for the fact of what she did.  Women are the first to stab you in the back in a workplace.  Women are drama in every instance of life. Because of that, I have very few female friends.  They smile in your face and then talk about you as soon as you turn and walk out of the room.

I said, before I started working at that job, that I wish I would've taken a day or two off between jobs - but hey, I guess I get to do that now! Another positive for tomorrow is getting to sleep in a little. I'm not going to get totally off the early-riser bandwagon because that's not good for a job-seeker.  It's not good when a potential employer calls you and you sound groggy because you just cracked your eyes open for the first time of the day and its noon.  I also received an email from a job I have been pursuing for several months now that could potentially be starting in mid-October - but that's a ways away.  I am here now and I need to find something now, even if it's temporary.

Blogging is so beautiful - for the writer at least.  I love to call my posts "mental vomit".  It's my splurge of words and thoughts that, even if they come out in no particular order, they get to come out.  Instead of me stressing myself out and figuring out what I'm trying to tell myself, I am telling it to myself here, in this mental vomit.  

When I was 14, I got my very first blog on Xanga. I religiously blogged all the time for several years.  Time passed and I got busy and I stopped for a long time.  That's not to say I will blog every day because I think it's like most other things: you have to be in the mood.  I'm not in the mood to post a blog every day, some days I'm not even in the mood to speak or move.

While there are no particular "rules" to blogging, I like to follow a similar subject per blog.  I would love to go to a different subject right now, but that has nothing to do with this, so I won't.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about it: mental fatigue.