Autopilot: ON. What it's like to be 29.

What's it like to be 29?  Have you ever driven somewhere, gotten there, and ask yourself, "How the hell did I end up here?" To me, that's what 29 is like. I do the motions of life. I wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to bed, sleep 6-8 hours and then do it all again. My mind is on autopilot and I hate every bit of it. Even my breathing is autopilot. I used to take deep fulfilling breaths and enjoy them. Now it takes all I have to breathe in and then my body is so heavy, it just forces it out. It's only doing it because it has to.

So what's it like to be 29? It's miserable. I hate it. I hate everything. I haven't been this dissatisfied with life since 2012, when I lost my car and maxed out my credit cards. Even then, I was able to find happiness. 

I started the job I'm at now in 2015 and I love it. I like the repetition but I also enjoy the differences in the day-to-day. Each case is similar but also so different.  But even that, I feel useless, like I have no idea what I'm doing or I'm doing it wrong; but my boss says I'm doing great, so I guess that's all that really matters.

I thought when all of this began again and I was being moody that it was because of my move, which was done 4/14.  Then I thought hey, maybe if I unpack some stuff I'll feel better.... then I thought it was because I had a full schedule, so I freed some space, but to no avail. Now I'm not sure what the issue is. How do you fix an issue if you don't even know what's wrong? 

I am literally miserable. I look forward to going to bed every day. Yes, day. From the time I get out of bed in the morning, the only thing I look forward to is going back to bed. Laying there, forgetting everything exists.  But even that doesn't let me go; I wake up with knots in my stomach, paralyzed from anxiety, taking quick deep breaths just to stretch out my chest.

I want nothing more than to be able to go back to who I was in February, when I was happy, free spirited, and living. Someone take my rain cloud and put it over Georgia; I'm sure they'd appreciate the rain more than me.