Blue Christmas

At some point in my life, I would love to reapreciate Christmas. Since 2002, for some reason or another, things just haven't gone the way they should. Either it' s death or money or family fueds but it's always something. As soon as I figure out the secret, that will be that and I will never have another sad Christmas

Gone Too Soon...

Like A Comet

Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky

Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow

Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye

Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly

And Splendidly Bright

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight

On A Cloudy Afternoon

Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle

Built Upon A Sandy Beach

Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower

That Is Just Beyond Your Reach

Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like A Sunset

Dying With The Rising Of The Moon

Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Rest In Peace

John J. Nichols

3/14/1958 - 12/8/2012

Here it is..

So, the real reason why I think I don't blog is this: I don't like to face the issues going on.  I would rather just leave it alone.  I feel good some days and not so good on others.  Today is one of those in between days.  I feel happy and sad at the same time, because I'm not really sure what to do at this moment.

I don't even know how I feel.

So I found out through Facebook that my dad is visiting Florida from Pennsylvania.  I haven't seen him since February and he didn't even call.  I understand the fact that he had to check in by a certain time and that he was traveling to get to the place to put away the frozen/refrigerated goods.  What I don't understand is why it wasn't important enough for you to call.

He said the only reason he had to come to Jacksonville was for my sister & I...... So you mean to tell me that wasn't reason enough for you to call???  A simple phone call..  I mean, it's been 9 months since I've seen you and I wasn't important enough for you to stop by even for two seconds to give me a hug? Really?

I'm heartbroken and angry. Supposedly I'm so close to my dad, but apparently not.  My aunt knew he was coming down, but my sister nor myself knew anything about it.  I just don't get it.. 

Hypoglycemia

If you have any idea what Hypoglycemia is, you know what I mean when I say, "I'm just SO tired."  What's the worst part about that?  There's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it.  I mean sure I can stuff myself with sugar, sugar, and more sugar, but I'm not really a sweets person.  I never have been.  If this was something that salt would cure, I'd be healed immediately.  In conjunction with the soda and candy I eat, I've also been taking Vitamin B12 to supplement my energy.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.

Each weekend, I find myself just anticipating sleep.  I LOVE sleep.  I could sleep all day if I had the option to do so, but you know, there's that thing called WORK I have to do every day.

Tomorrow, I think I will touch base on the changes I've experienced at work in the last 2 weeks or so.. they're good.

Andate tutti a 'fanculo!

I really hate inconsiderate people.  And what's everyone's explanation when you complain?  "Well, that's just the way it is and will always be, no matter what."  Well when the hell is someone going to stand up and say something about it?  Why is it okay to piss on the small guy?  What makes YOU so much better than ME? No, I don't care that you've "been here waaaaay longer" than I have, nor do I care about the fact that you (supposedly) do "sooooo much more than" me.  I work my butt off just as hard, if not harder than you.  Yet, I get treated like the scum of the earth and just have to keep a damn smile plastered on my face and let it go by as if nothing happened because if I bitch, I may not have something to bitch about.... if you catch my drift.

*phew*

Trenta Cinque

Today, this wonderful man turned 35! This is John Mayer. He's one of those guys that stole my heart. Yes, he looks good, and damn he sounds amazing, but I love him for so much more than that.  He taught me so much about myself in the shortest time you could ever possibly imagine.  He means so much to me that I even have his signature tattooed on my foot:

I'll save that story for another day....

But here's to you Mr. Mayer!! May you have many, many more years ahead! I love you and wish you the best in everything you do, and I know you'll do it perfectly! :)

Tranquillo

What do you write about when you have no thoughts?  I don't think it's that I have an empty mind or anything, I just think I'm too tired to think at this point.  I like not thinking.  It's a little touch of free.  I feel free in my life at this point, but at the same time, I feel like I'm imprisoned.

But, I guess this is all part of how things are supposed to be right now.  Things will be okay, soon.  I know I've been saying that for months now, but I really think things will finally be okay.. or at least close to.

For tonight, I think that's all.  I'm going to watch a movie and go to bed. I still love the fact that I am reforming myself. I'm not doing it to get to where I used to be, but more so to get to a new place.

Labyrinth

There are plenty of benefits that come with meditation.... a whole giant list of them. The chances of you reading the list are slim to none though, so I'll spare you and just list a few.

-Reduces anxiety attacks

-Increases libido

-Relief from asthma

-Increases serotonin

-Assists in aiding infertility (due to less stress)

-Increases job satisfaction

-Normalizes weight

-Increases listening skills

-Provides peace of mind

All of the above are great reason, but take most notice to the last one.  This gives understanding as to why people who are on their death bed are okay.  They have meditated and come to terms with their fate.

Being human, we always feel the need to question things or blame things on certain things or people.  When the doctor gives the news stating, "It's cancer," our first thought is this: How could this happen to me (or him or her)? What did I do to deserve this?  Our first reaction if we are religious is to question God and his reasons.  If you aren't religious you typically blame Karma.. "I'm a good person. I've never done anything to anyone to deserve this. Why me?"

Yesterday, I got the news that my step-father has cancer in his liver.  This news came after 6 years ago he was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Back in November 2006, the doctors told him he had 4 weeks to live.  6 years later, he is still with us.  While this is amazing, now we don't rejoice though because we have more sorrow to face.  We have come this far only to have a doctor determine his fate.

It's cancer and it's inoperable and they aren't going to do anything.  What gives them the right to decide who is worthy of operation or not? Who gave you the power to play God? Didn't you take an oath as a medical professional to do whatever you could do to save someone's life, and now you're telling me you aren't going to do that?

I'm angry and sad at the same time.  Yes, he did drink his way into cirrhosis.  However, he did what the doctors said to do.  He hasn't had a drink in 6 years.  It makes you sit back and wonder if they had given the transplant, would he be dealing with this now?  

Back to meditation though.... this blog is my meditation.  It feels good to get my thoughts out without having to explain anything.  I don't have to tell you why I'm thinking that.  It just happens.

This was a horrible ending to this blog, but again, I don't have to explain that either. 

I'm tired.

I need to release so many thoughts.... tomorrow.

Prostrate.... what I wish I was right now.

I go to bed between 9-10:30 every night. I wake up at 6:20 every morning.  So I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.  However, I still wake up tired every single day.  I don't get it.

SAD

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression people every winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.

It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.

For many people SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing them from functioning normally without continuous medical treatment.For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering.

While some people already don't understand general depression, SAD is just another form that is out there.  What sucks about it is that there really is nothing you can do for it.  Sure you can sit in front of lights and do light therapy for hours of the day.  Other than that though, it's horrible.

Why am I writing about this today?  I woke up to an overcast 67* day today.  It was breezy and cool. A typical fall morning.  As the day drug on, it got colder and more gloomy.  I missed my boyfriend more than usual.  It's 5 pm now and I feel awful.  My body hurts, I'm feeling dreary. I just want to cry.  Why? Well, I'm not exactly sure.  No, I'm not saying I have SAD or anything of that sort, but it is possible.  It's the start of these gloomy days.  I LOVE fall, don't get me wrong, but every year, I experience these feelings of gloom  along with the love I experience for the season.

When I was in 8th grade, I struggled.  It's a genetic thing for me.. my aunt had bipolar, as did my grandmother.  My cousins also have it.  It's effected my family in all sorts of negative ways.  3 of my cousins, all my aunt's children, all tried to kill themselves.  My aunt tried several times before succeeding... and by succeeding, I don't mean it in a good way... 

With my issues, I decided to take the career path of becoming a psychologist.  I was going to go to medical school and all.  Life, of course, got in the way of me pursuing that along with the personal will to sit in class for another 6 years or so.  Eventually, I will get my masters, but as far as medical school goes, I just don't see myself doing that.  I also don't think I have the concern level I should have to be someone's counselor.  I don't feel that "grow a pair and stop being such a pussy" is something that someone with depression wants to hear.  I just don't really care to hear about someone else's problems at this point.  I have experienced enough of my own to have enough emotion to care about someone else.  I'm not saying I'm cold-hearted and don't have the ability to care about people, please don't take it that way.. I care about people very deeply, I just guess I'm picky about the things I care about, as wrong as that sounds.

So here's the story....

A student (due to FERPA I am not allowed to say his name) that was attending the school I work at was forced to drop from the program.  He went in for the physical on the first day and they found some spots on his lungs.... These spots turned out to be lung cancer.  He now owes a substantial amount on his account and I would LOVE to take this burden off of his shoulders...

PLEASE HELP.

We The People..

"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" is a well-known phrase in the United States Declaration of Independence. The phrase is meant to exemplify the "unalienable rights" with which all human beings are endowed by their Creator and for the protection of which they institute governments.

So the rights we are entitled to are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

Life... we all have the right to live. Nobody is entitled to take that away.. or at least supposedly.  The way I look at America is this is true.... so long as you don't kill somebody else, you pay your taxes, etc;  You can live your life as long as you abide by certain rules.  So the way I take this is the government chooses your right to life.

Liberty... we all have the right to freedom.  Who gave us that right?  I personally don't feel it's a right, but more so a privilege. Why are we, the American people, the "glorified" ones? I mean, we are a pretty kick-ass country and all, but still. Are we better than everyone else?  Before you answer that, think about it. Are we really? And after you answer that, add the word "off" after better... then see if your answer is the same. ARE WE BETTER OFF?

The pursuit of happiness... we all have the right to pursue happiness.  So, what you're saying is I can do whatever I want because it's making me happy?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  If me being nude on the beach makes me happy (and I'm sure a bunch of old men in Speedos as well), do I have this right?

Are you voting?

Election day is Tuesday, November 6th.  Before you decide to vote, think about it.  REALLY think about it. Don't do it because "HE'S BLACK!" or "HE'S WHITE!"  Those, first of all, are the dumbest reasons of all. Are we going to be retroactive and go back to the way things used to be by letting the color of someone's skin determine the treatment they get?

Don't do it because "HE'S DEMOCRATIC" or "HE'S REPUBLICAN"... Again, affiliation is a stupid reason. So, hypothetically you have Republican views, which Obama is spewing out of his mouth and they are the EXACT things you would vote for.... IF he was Republican.  But because he's not, you wouldn't vote for him?

Do it because this is what all of those people who get sent home in a wooden box are fighting for.  FOR YOU TO HAVE THE FREEDOM TO VOTE FOR WHO YOU DECIDE TO VOTE FOR.  If you won't vote for yourself, at least vote for them.

We all have good intentions..

Yes, my intention with this blog is to do it every day. However, as we all know, life seems to get in the way of that.  My biggest issue is my only place to get online with a real computer is at work. So, because of this, if I am under a pile of work, I can't get the time to make a post.

But, my intentions ARE there.  And I will do my best to get back on the daily posting track.

I have a lot of plans and things I'd like to do, and if I have time later or tomorrow, I will let you all in on my plans!

I. JUST. CAN'T. STOP.

Ever feel like all you do is GO???

That's how I feel my life has gone for the past 3 weeks. GO. GO. GO.  I feel like I get no down-time.  And I have so many ideas and things I would love to do, but I just feel like I either run out of time or I just don't have the energy to do them.

This is why I started this, so I have to physically stop myself, even if it's just for 5 minutes, to take a breath.  I want to relax. I just want to sit and do nothing.  I. AM. TIRED. EXHAUSTED.

Good morning.... Or not.

I think it's funny how YOU tried to turn your faults around on me... Let me know how this works out for you....

Will you marry me? (Are you sure?)

With divorce rates sky-rocketing to 46%, we still ask ourselves this question: is it really worth all that money? What if there was a "Trial-period"? What if someone would pay for your wedding?

Here's my idea:  Start a company that pays for your reception costs (or wedding costs) up to a certain dollar amount, kind-of like a loan... except the terms are different from a bank.

It goes like this: we will front you all expenses for the cost of the wedding or reception (or both up to a certain amount)

• If within 90 days you decide you want to divorce, you pay back the full amount + 20%.  
• After 1 year it would be total + 10%....
• After 5 years you would pay back 75% of the cost.. 
• 10 years 50%.. 
• 15 years 25%... 
• and we figure by 20 years, you are pretty much going to stay together so we have paid 100% for your wedding costs. 

Here is the intention: you don't start your marriage off with the financial burden of having to come up with the insane amount of a wedding. Your wedding was debt-free to you.

Here is NOT the intention: forcing people to stay together.  No, we don't want you to stay together just to keep your money.

And as with every contractual agreement, there would be circumstances that would make the loan void.  Examples of this would be: killed in combat, domestic (which in this case, the debt would go to the abuser), or death.

In these events, there would probably be a 5-20% payback (depending on the term of the marriage).

I don't know what I'd call it yet. Maybe I'll have an answer for that later. :)

I'm back!

So yesterday, I was looking back on how organized my life USED to be... Well guess what, that doesn't help me much now.

I'm tired of not having stability in my life. I don't ever know what's going on anymore with myself. My life seems to be UTTER CHAOS!

So here we are.  I'm blogging again.  It's like a brain vomit. And it feels so good.

Every day at work, I must used at least 10 post-its to remember the simplest things. My memory is fried; or so it seems.  I want it back though.  I want to be able to focus on the important things again.  I want to not worry if I'm going to run out of money before pay-day. I'm going to get there. It's going to take time and effort, but I'm going to do it! :)

Later on, I will post about an interesting idea Paulie and I were discussing on the bus this morning about marriage and money.. Some of you will laugh. Some of you will think I'm a genius. And of course, some of you will get pissed off.

I'll be back, around 4-ish.