Life After Death

I'm actually not referring to my own death or someone's spirit; it's actually the opposite. I'm referring to my life after the death of my mom.  Death has always been a part of my life, since I was 4. It was sad, yes, but it didn't really effect me all that much. 

We are almost 19 months into this never-ending journey: the motherless journey. Actually, I take that back. I am not motherless, I am just physically without her. It's a silent phone, an empty inbox, a forever wandering home, since it belongs to someone else now. I haven't been back since September of 2017. I literally can't handle it, seeing someone in her space. 

I wondered the other day if this is my new normal. Am I always going to feel like something is missing for the rest of my life? Is it really going to be this way? Will part of myself be healed if or when I have a child? 

There are so many things you go through after the death of your parent that just aggravate you to no end.  You can't call them to tell them your problems, to tell them about that thing you remembered you did together years ago. You can't tell them your good news, or your bad. You can't hug them. Nobody hugs quite like Mom.  

It's like losing a limb, I assume. You still feel those phantom pains, and sure, you can get a prosthetic, and it may serve it's purpose; but it's never going to feel quite right. It's never going to just be there. You have to attach it, and put effort into making it function. And you'll forever miss YOUR limb because it was a part of you and you didn't have to do anything special to make it work, it just did. But no matter how hard you try, it's not going to grow back. You just learn to cope.

I am tired of coping. I'm tired of death being the center of everything. I put it in the back of my mind, but it always comes back full circle, right in my face. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to forget her, or her life at all. I just want to forget that she died.