Depression is Addictive

I don't know if you've ever been depressed, or if you were just sad for a day or two.  People have bad days. Everyone has bad days. It's when your days start turning into weeks, then months, and for some people, even years, that it becomes a "problem".  Some people get seasonal blues. I, myself, get seasonal blues every year as soon as mid-fall hits.  I think last year was the only year I haven't gotten them since 2001.  That's 13 years straight of having Autumn Blues.  Fall is a love-hate thing for me because of this.  I absolutely adore the leaves changing and crunching under my feet and the smell of pumpkin EVERYTHING.  What I don't enjoy is the empty feeling and the memory flood of all things bad that have happened in the fall in years passed.

Here's my list of things:

1. My aunt passed in Oct 2001
2. My boyfriend, Taylor, at the time was extremely depressed as was I - we were toxic together but we understood each other so we were drawn to one another. - that was about Sept 2001 - March 2002.
3. I bounced around from Oct 2001-March 2002 as well so Taylor was my rock.
4. I moved schools after 8th grade and started a new school where I knew absolutely nobody. I established friendships and then was forced to move again in April 2003.
5. Started a new school for the last 2 months of my freshman year. Went to that school again for the first semester of my Sophomore year.
6. November 17, 2003 (I found out Wednesday, November 19th) - my best friend, Taylor, committed suicide. He was 18 years old. He would be 30 this year.
7. In November 2003, my grandpa was rushed to the ICU and we found out he had colon cancer. - he was in the hospital for 37 days.  He came home for a few weeks.  We, again, moved to be here with him. We arrived on Friday, January 23, 2004. My grandpa passed away from a massive heart attack Sunday, January 25, 2004.
8. My dad moved away in March of 2004 and we moved in with my mom.  We were supposed to move to PA with my dad at the end of the school year, but then I found out that my dad's old girlfriend had moved back with him - we didn't get along at all... so I stayed. I ended up moving in with my grandmother.
9. In 2005, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years to date a complete jerk who cheated on me.  Got back with the bf of 3 years about 2 months later... 
10. 2006 was a good year, for the most part, except an old classmate passed in a motorcycle accident.
11. 2007 - the start of hell no. 1. I broke up with the bf of 5 years.... Started a toxic relationship
12. 2008-Jan 2010 was hell in all kinds of ways. I was by myself for a lot of it and the time I wasn't I was being cheated on.
13. 2010-2011 - had my sad days, but mostly I was ok. I was single and finally focusing on school and having fun. I took road trips by myself and discovered my love for Charlotte, NC.
14. 2011 - I got engaged for the second time - this was to the guy I had dated for 5 years.  I ended that relationship for fear of not being ready....
15. Jan 2012 - worst decision of my life ever was made when I decided to date my ex.  He was a pill-head and had also been to jail a few times, for none other than domestic disputes. He gave me a fake name though so it's not like I would've known.  I went in debt, lost my car, lost EVERYTHING I had in storage because I couldn't afford the bill. I had nothing.
16. December 8, 2012 - my stepdad passed away from bile-duct cancer.
17. April 2013 - my ex put his hands on me and threw a guitar at me one morning. I grabbed my phone and my dog and I left and called the police. I packed all my stuff and moved out to my mom's.

Finally, I was back on top.... until April 2014.  I have started having thyroid issues which has inevitably caused me to gain weight. I am currently seeing a doctor, but I am seriously bothered by the weight.  I have an endocrinologist appt next month and hopefully that gives me answers and allows me to figure out what can be done to get rid of this.

Then there's this weekend. I'm by myself, alone at home. I'm sad. I'm overthinking all the above listed things.  I miss my aunt and my best friend terribly.  I found a flash drive that has a ton of music that just floods my mind with memories of most of these things.  I'm sure you could say "Then don't listen to those songs."  But I like these songs.

In fact, the reason for this post was to say this: when I feel down, I don't want to feel better right away. I don't want to listen to a happy song when I feel down.  I want to listen to the most depressing songs there are at that time.  Why does this work? Because eventually I get so tired of feeling this way that I will build myself up - usually by putting the most hardcore rude song I can think of - Seventy Times 7 by Brand New.  

"Have another drink and drive yourself home; I hope there's ice on all the roads, then you can think of me when you forget your seat belt and again when your head goes through the windshield."  

Sometimes, you just need a mental vomit to feel better.  Even if I'm technically talking to nobody, I'm talking to YOU, whomever you may be.

You're listening, because you're reading this, so thank you.