Anymore, this is how I feel. I'm not sure where to start, where to end, if there is an ending even. I have no idea what is going on in my head anymore. To go even further, I don't even know who I am anymore. In the past 3 months, I've fallen into a deep depression. Part of this is from my anxiety disorder, the other part, I'm not exactly sure. I've withdrawn from everything I like. And quite frankly, I don't care.
I've noticed, especially in the past 2 weeks, I have been extremely on edge. The smallest thing gets to me. I snap at people, I have no care for people. I have become heartless. I don't mean I don't care about humanity, hell last week I bought a vet a bag of chips because I think it's disgraceful that we can put a bunch of people who have never lifted a finger in their life in a house and give them money for food and whatever else, but we can't help out someone who has put their life on the line... Back to the topic. I don't care about people the way I used to. It's like, I am a hateful person and I don't care if I hurt your feelings or offend you. I don't care if you don't like what I have to say or if you like me in general. My attitude is to tell you to go fuck yourself and join the crowd of people that don't like me.. I'm pretty sure this part has to do with my relationship that's not really a relationship anymore. I distanced myself, which probably started as a protective barrier to myself, but then I couldn't stop. I went through this a few years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. I couldn't get close to anyone for about 2 years but when I finally did, I fell hard... and here I am again, in the same exact situation.
Now that that's come out of my mouth, I wonder if that's what it's stemming from. Am I disappointed in myself for letting myself go through the exact same thing? Why didn't I see the signs from the first go round? I'm a tough woman and I can handle a lot of shit. I constantly say I don't need anyone and I don't need anyone to take care of me. It's not that I wouldn't let someone take care of me, I just don't depend on someone. I learned this from my dad. This is because when you depend on someone, your livelyhood depends on them and their resources and at any moment, they can take it all away from you. This is also the reason I'm not sure I'll ever get into another relationship. I don't like my happiness depending on someone else's mood. I don't like having to feel like I have to buy someone's love or their happiness. I also don't like the burden of having to be the reason for their happiness or sadness for that matter. Relationships take work, and if both parties don't give 100%, it doesn't work. And it can't be every other week, it's got to be every single day. Someone of my status the way I am now... I'm not stable enough to handle someone's emotions, let alone my own. I can't handle myself.
The past month, especially this month, I've been on the verge of going to a damn hospital and signing myself in. If not for evaluation, mental rest. My brain needs to rest. There is so much clutter in my mind, my life is just one big blur. I feel like a robot. I wake up, go to work, come home, shower, eat [sometimes], go to bed, repeat. Give or take the very rare occasion that I actually have the energy or desire to get out of the house. Even on the weekends. I wake up, lay around, take long naps.... I'm 25 years old. I should be at a club or a party or a movie or something..... I live the life of a 40 year old cat lady. I'm alone. I like being alone... I don't like feeling lonely.
I talk about my job a lot in my life. I do this because for the past year, it's all I've really been exposed to. All my friends, they're all from my job. It's as if I've lost all the friends I once had. And now the way it works, I get to know people for 5 months, and then they're gone. It's almost a fucked up game. I know that's just the way it works, but sometimes it just really sucks. It's like going to therapy with someone for 5 months and then having to start and tell your story to a new person, over and over again.
I am mentally exhausted.
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