In the past few days, I’ve caught myself saying “I don’t
feel like dealing with….” or “I’m not in the mood to deal with….” entirely too
much. It’s like it’s the new saying for
me. That’s not me. I’m up for anything and anyone. I am a people person, that’s why I’m in the
position I’m in.. Even though I despise talking on the phone, it’s still my job
to do so, and apparently I do a damn good job at it. I’m just tired of feeling this way. So I guess ultimately, I don’t feel like
dealing with my problem right now and I’m not in the mood to feel this way
every single day. The shit is old.
I’ve reached the point that I wish I could do a mental dump
of my mind. I can’t say I’d forget
everything that’s happened over the past year and a half, but I would forget a
lot of it. I’m not blaming anyone for my
situation because ultimately, I let it happen.
I was in the position to say no and I didn’t. What’s fucked up though is when I started
saying no, people started getting angry and calling me a selfish bitch for
saying no. Why am I not allowed to say
no??? Why are you only happy when the word YES is coming out of my mouth or you
are only getting what you want? Sounds
like a user to me. I don’t know how you
all feel about it, but that’s what I feel like. I feel as if I have been used for my resources
and that’s all. It had nothing to do
with me or anything I did or didn’t do.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I put the entire world on a fucking platter
and served it with a side of the universe, you still wouldn’t have been happy.
I guess the reason I’ve let this burden me for longer than
it should have is because I felt personally responsible for the position you’re
in now, but then I woke up last night. I
realized, you are a grown fucking man and you can control shit that happens to
you just the same as I can control the things that happen to me. If you’re not worried about me one fucking
bit, why the hell should I give two shits about you and what happens? If you want to waste your fucking life away
because you’re too much of a fucking baby to grow up, then so be it, but that’s
on you.
I am one person and at this point, I’m the only one looking
out for me. Until I get back to the
point of me being okay, I damn sure am not going to be in a position to worry
about if somebody else is doing okay. I
feel good saying that and I feel relieved in knowing my decision.
I AM DONE.
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