Mental Purge

<Begin Thought>

The thing about thoughts is you never know what the next one might be and the reasoning behind it sometimes makes sense, but sometimes it doesn't  Sure you can plan on the subject matter you'd like to think on, but as far as what thoughts will come, you never know.  Thus the following:

Your thoughts turn into your emotions and when your thoughts are wrong, the feelings experienced with such can be detrimental to you.  Even worse than all of this is the fact that no-one knows your thoughts.  Sure they can relate to them and have similar thoughts, but ultimately, they will never know the full extent of it.

This is what I like to call a mental purge.  I'm actually handwriting this, so while the usual back-of-the-mind thought is "look and listen to how fast I'm typing," writing just takes time, which allows you to ponder even deeper into thought.  It's sort of like reading.  You focus on the words and you're forced to analyze what is actually going on; the spelling, the grammar, the apostrophes, the dotting of the Is and crossing of the Ts.

I don't really even have a reason for this except to verify that I still have the ability to form and purge my thoughts.  I'm so unsure of myself lately and nothing makes sense anymore.  My whole life is just one big blur.  If I had an endless cash flow now, I'd stop working for a good month and go to a secluded cabin.  I'd do this so my mind would just flood with thoughts.  I would love to be overwhelmed in thoughts, just not by them.  Too many times I take one idea and it expands into this huge non-existent scenario in my head that scares the shit out of me.

I don't even know what's going on and nor do I care.  I've learned to let go and realize the whole world is not looking at me.  I am a speck; a very, very small speck and there are days I wish it was actually real to the point of being non-existent.  I do not want to be or exist anymore.

I just don't want anything.

<End Thought>

This is the actual hand-written note: