It's not about life and death anymore.. now it's about tragedy, which is all this place has, and has had, to offer.
I just want out; and I want out before I want out on life.
Lately, I've been infatuated with death, pain, and loneliness. It's a sickness, really, and it's a sickness not easily overcome. It's like being trapped in a torture system, but with no escape. There's no button one can push that says, "stop". Sure, I can medicate myself, but then hours later, I need more; and God forbid if I run out, because that only sparks the anxiety trigger even harder.
Here's how my life goes right now:
Sure there are triggering factors with these two things, but ultimately one thing leads to the other.
- I can't eat, because my nerves lead me to have no appetite.
- I can't sleep, because my anxiety leaves me restless all night.
- I can barely even think clearly, because I am so stressed out about both of these things.
I need help, but only on my account. There's also a specific help I want. I don't want someone to tell me to, "tell me how you're feeling." If I genuinely knew how I was feeling, I could probably fix my issues, but I don't, and that's why this is so dangerous.
I just want it all to go away, whatever "it" may be.
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